So, You Want to Fly? Don’t Be Difficult.

AUTHOR’S NOTE

I started putting fingers to keyboard a month or two after my Poconos Bike Tour trip. You know the trip I’m talking about. If not, head to the Me section to read all about who inspired me to begin writing. One day, I grabbed my laptop and started typing as quickly as I could. I didn’t want to risk losing any good material. I was in flow, and I knocked out seven pages worth of material that day. I was excited that I could write so much in one afternoon.

It’s been revised a few times since, and now I have twenty-one pages. This project was inspired by my experience as a flight attendant. The opening was inspired by airline announcements, and I want this project to take you on a funny sometimes serious ride on your flight from beginning to end.

I would like this project to become a book and/or a podcast. I want it to showcase my creative voice, which is primarily comical observations of every-day situations. I’m not saying I’m a comedic genius or that I’m even super funny, but I can be and I plan on working to improve that skill. Like I said, it’s going to be a bumpy ride, but I hope you enjoy it as much as I plan to. So here’s goes nothing. Enjoy.

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Hello ladies and gentlemen. Welcome aboard flight 666 on We’re Not Having It Today Airlines. It is my pleasure to welcome our Platinum, Diamond, Gold, Silver, MVPs, Pros and Premier members, none of the above, and those of you who we will never, ever see again because you purchased your ticket for a significantly reduced price.

On today’s flight, we are going to review the ways in which you, the passenger, can avoid being difficult. Federal aviation regulations require that all carry-on items be stowed prior to turning the page. Your items should be placed far away from you so as not to distract you from reading. In order to expedite the boarding process, find your seat and place your carry-on in the overhead bin as quickly as possible.

Take a moment to review the Safety Information card in… Oh shit! You don’t have a Safety Information card. Quick, grab your phone (you know you want to) and Google “Safety Information card.” Phew! Where was I? Oh, right. Take a moment to review the Safety Information card so that you can avoid killing the rest of us. If you are seated in an exit row, congratulations, you’re now part of the crew. So…we’re all fucked. I mean, you may be required to assist in an emergency evacuation. Your safety is our number one priority. We will be ready to depart in just a few minutes.

Ladies and gentlemen, the forward entry door has been closed and we are ready to push back from the gate. All cellular telephones… Ahem, we need everyone seated at this time.

Ma’am, you cannot stand up to retrieve your bag from the overhead compartment at this time. Sir, your phone needs to be in airplane mode. No, sir, you cannot use the lavatory at this time. Ma’am, all children must be in a seat. Sir, ma’am, please, ma’am, sir…

What the hell did I get myself into?!

So, you want to fly? When was the last time you were in an airplane? Inside an airport? Are you a frequent flyer or a first-time flyer? No distinction between the two, sometimes. Ahem…most of the time. Are you flying first class on a lie-flat seat? I know the feeling, finally! Or are you stuck in the back in a semi-comfortable seat? Me! Most of us, really. Or…are you dying in basic economy? “Are you okay back there?! Seriously, is he going to be alright?” Are you traveling alone, or are you traveling with family?

Why am I asking you, the reader, potential difficult passenger, these questions? Well…you are all the same: combative, dirty, ill-mannered (downright rude), and lacking intelligence (downright stupid). I. Am. Not. Kidding.

Before you close the book and send me to hell with a lovely, passive-aggressive comment, let me say that I have seen things that cannot be unseen in my short career as a flight attendant. The nightmares! I have heard things that make think, “How the hell did you make it this far in life?” I have been treated, truly unfairly, by everyone (maybe there was one time when I deserved it): frequent and first-time fliers, men and women (mostly men), single travelers and those traveling with family. And it is only getting worse.

In response to the myriad videos showing passengers misbehaving and the hundreds of stories that do not make it onto the news, I decided to write a book to address the issue. You may be thinking that it’s a waste of time because no likes to be told what to do. Maybe. But let’s work to turn things around.

And if you are one of those people who insists on not following the rules for whatever reason, take yourself and your fake Louis Vuitton bag out of society. No, really, I think we have a few forests left where you can build yourself a Paul/Paulette Bunyan-style cabin and fend for yourself. Just saying.

Traveling today is stressful, which is why I would like to help you make it less stressful for customer service agents, operations agents, and crew members (flight attendants not pilots). And any other worker you encounter at the airport.

What? Did you think I was writing to help you, the passenger? Oh, bless your pretty little heart. No, I am writing this book as a guide so that you can stop being difficult; to educate you on being a better customer; to call out what needs to be called out. And if you feel “triggered,” a word I once heard from the friend of a passenger with whom I was sharing one of my stories, perhaps I can help you create a GoFundMe account to help with the construction of that cabin.

Ladies and gentlemen, we have been cleared for departure. Enjoy your flight.